Secularize This

Thursday, August 25, 2011

In the Defense of Marriage

Today the U.S. Census Bureau released the statistics of marriage and divorce from the year of 2009.  It turns out that married couples in the South, often referred to as the Bible Belt, have a higher tendency to divorce than those married couples in other regions of this vast nation.  This coming from the same region of the country that is overflowing with Bible thumpers that lobby on family values and fund politicians to represent their conservative ideology putting up the largest opposition to the support of gay marriage.

I can say that I have been happily married for more than 10 years now and I do reside in the South, Tennessee to be exact.  I can proudly say that the actions I take are what is best for my family and myself.  Any decision I make I take into consideration any outcomes not asking "What Would Jesus Do?" but more along the lines of what implications will this have?  I live by the Laws of Nature not by silly text that has been mistranslated over centuries upon centuries to be accepted as the Word of God.  The point I make with this is best summed up with a quote from my brother; "No one is more miserable than a southern white middle-class Christian conservative".  I am proud not to be bound by the dogmatic theocracy that burden many of "souls" traveling this land.  I truly feel that the dogmatic stigmata we are drowning in today is poisoning our society.  Avid believers try to find every justification in their Holy Book to denounce what their neighbor does and fail to look themselves in the mirror and denounce the hair cut the got which is strictly forbidden in the same Holy Book.

Now, onto the defense of marriage.  This is what we need to do to fix our divorce rates in the South. allow homosexual marriage.  Follow me on this; if we allow homosexual marriage, by default there will be more women (aside from the homosexual women) for the newly divorced men to pick from, allowing procreation to take place giving these new love birds another chance at happiness.  With fewer opponents on the mating scene trying to hide their true homosexual beings, the pickings will be ripe for the heterosexuals.  Just like in nature, the top ram gets first dibs on their mate, the same can be true for the South (just leave the head butting to the beer cans).

Another way to look at this news is that the South is so deep in the closet that we're finding next year's Christmas presents.  Deep down inside the cockles of their souls, white Christian conservative men have discovered they cannot beat the gay agenda, so rather than beating why not join them?  Okay, I guess I shouldn't have said beating them, maybe defeat them.  White Christian conservative men cannot find satisfaction, no matter how many women they marry (i.e. Newt Gingrich) so they keep defying the tenth commandment about coveting they neighbors wife.

What I propose is that we allow gay marriage.  This will increase the number of marriages we have to tally next go around offsetting the increasing number of divorces that miserable white christian conservative middle class men are revolving through the courts with.  Massachusetts and Vermont, just to name two states, already allow gay marriage and have lower divorce rates than us in the South.  They realize that the more marriages there are, the more balanced the divorce rate will seem.  It's simple law of averages...wait, most southerns wouldn't even get that, sorry.

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